"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
