After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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