I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
