I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
