great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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