Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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