Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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