I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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