dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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