remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
