just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
