Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
