woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
