He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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