If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
