wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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