you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
