I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
