currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
