i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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