11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
handjob tips. give me some.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
