I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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