I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
