I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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