I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
