If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
