Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
