Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
