Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
