I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
