Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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