I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
