please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
