my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
