I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just want nice things and good sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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