Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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