She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
