sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
