Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
