My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
