I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
