So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
jump out the window naked night went bad
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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