when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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