remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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