And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
