Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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