this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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