Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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