u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
bring money and cleavage
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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