i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
